Not Good Enough! Jasmin Green
Imagine waking up to your worst nightmare. Life is chaos. Nothing is going right. Then imagine realizing that what you thought was a nightmare is your reality. That’s what happened to me.
In one year, I met and married the man of my dreams; or so I thought, had a new baby and even got a promotion at work. I was in a good financial position; I didn’t have a care in the world; except what I would prepare for dinner. Everything was finally falling into place after being a single mom for over five years. In the end, my Husband and I were strangers; we failed. He was an alcoholic with a temper.
Now let’s rewind to the relationship before my marriage. I was in a three-year relationship with a man that was emotionally and mentally abusive. I consider him to be what is defined as a narcissist. He always said the right things, but his ACTIONS were the complete opposite. I was always the reason why his actions resulted in him hurting me. He was a cheater and a pathological liar. I had an emotional and mental breakdown as a result and did not give myself proper time to heal before moving on, hence the marriage. I became obsessed with trying to be the woman he wanted to marry. He didn’t have any children; I already had two. Before meeting me, he had his idea of his perfect woman already dreamt up then ended up falling for me. I felt he tolerated me. He ended up with another woman who I can only assume met his criteria, no baggage. I was jumping from one place to another; I lost myself. I didn’t know who Jasmin was anymore. I thought my happiness relied on having a man, regardless of how he treated me. I was ashamed internally because not too many knew the battle I was fighting. He made me feel like unwanted baggage. Never in my twenty-five years (I met him when I was 25) had I felt this way. I lost myself. To this day, I don’t think I can take another heartbreak. I don’t anticipate having too.
I took time to heal. I was spiritually weaker when I was with him. We’d never spiritually connected. I Isolated me. I prayed, I fasted. I cut off triggers that would break me down. I had never seen such darkness. I started journaling and working out. I found things to occupy my “missing him” time per se. When you are healing after losing yourself, it feels like an out-of-body experience. I constantly questioned how did I allow myself to get to this place. You learn so much about yourself during this time. I recall sitting with my grandmother during my breakdown explaining to her about trying to fix my relationship. This was when I thought the relationship was repairable. She had one question. “How does he make you feel?” A tear fell, and I replied, “Like I’m not good enough.” I felt so ashamed, but I was honest with her because I was desperate to repair my unhealthy relationship. My grandparents were married over 30 years before my grandfather passed. Her response was “In all our years together, even during the toughest times did he ever make me feel like I was not good enough. This man is not ready to be your Husband”. My biggest lesson learned was understanding, accepting and applying the magnitude of my strength. Now, I’m okay being a single mom of three. I do not need a man to define me. He’s out there somewhere and God will send him when he is ready. When you fight to become the woman you want to be after being lost, you value your worth and raise your price. Time heals. Prayers heal.