I Am Not Your Mother
No I am not interested in being your ride or die if that means I end up getting hurt. I’m definitely not interested in picking up where your mother left off. I’m not interested in being the provider while you figure out your next move. Sorry, but not sorry!
What caused me to write this blog is because of my own experiences and what I see on social media. I have dated men that had trust issues because their mother wasn’t there for them. I’ve seen post and videos on social media about how a woman put up with a lot of mess just to get a ring. I always hear men say “she stuck around when I cheated on her.” Or “she didn’t leave me after I got that other girl pregnant.” Also “with all my trust issues, she stuck around.” Let’s not forget about “I have mommy issues, but she stuck around to help me through it. I put her through hell but she didn’t leave me when she should have.” My favorite one is “I treated her like crap. She could have and should have left me a long time ago but she didn’t. That’s why I married her.”
What? You married her because she stuck around through your mess. Not because you love her. I’m just trying to understand all of this. Why do I have to be broken down just to prove I’m a good woman? Why do I have to put up with the lies and cheating?
One of my exes had mommy issues. His mom wasn’t there for him growing up. According to him she chose the party life over her children. The relationship they didn’t have boiled over to the relationships he was trying to have. For years as his friend and companion he often told me he had trust issues with women. Since we both wanted to be with each other, I stuck around. I thought I could be that woman that got him through it. If I showed him or let him know he could trust me, all would be good. The problem was I was trying to pick up where his mother left off. I wanted to show him he could trust me. I wanted him to know I wasn’t his mother and I wouldn’t hurt him like she did. We all go through things in our childhood that could cause issues in our adult life. I know I have, but the problem I have is when a man intentionally hurts a woman because of his issues.
With this particular relationship I stuck around for years with him, even though I knew I wasn’t the only one. I’ll never place all of the blame on him, because I allowed my insecurities to cause me to stay. I wanted to be with him so bad, I overlooked a lot of things. I stayed even when he told me there was no trust. He didn’t trust anything I did. If I was having a conversation with another male friend, he thought I was sleeping with him. If someone liked a picture on social media, he wouldn’t like it. If someone made a comment on my post, he would get angry. This had nothing to do with me, but all with his mother. He never trusted her and in turn it was hard for him to trust me or any other woman.
That ride or die phrase is what tends to ruin relationships. We often think we have to sacrifice our happiness in order to prove we’re the one. That was me. I couldn’t be his mother. There was no way I could pick up her slack. I couldn’t fill in the gap that he was missing. He needed to heal from that hurt his mother placed on his life as a child. I was trying to play the role of mother and companion, instead of a companion only. I was not his mother and I no longer wanted to play that role to a person I didn’t birth. I truly loved him, he was one of the few guys that I can say the love was real. He knows I wanted everything to work between us, but we were both broken. The difference was I was able to admit I was broken and he couldn’t.
The problem I have with all of this mess is men tend to think it’s okay with putting a woman through hell. It’s as if she have to go through some hazing phase just to prove she’s the one. She has to be ridiculed in public by his cheating scandals just to show she’s the one. Why do she have to be humiliated for him to put a ring on her finger? There’s a difference between a woman having her man back and him walking up and down her back for fun.
Ladies we’re not innocent in all of this. Some of us believe it’s okay to be mistreated as long as it’s a possibility that we’ll get the ring soon. We have that belief that if we stick around for a little bit longer, he’ll realize we’re the one. If we deal with his mommy issues instead of encouraging him to get help, things will be okay. You can step away while he sort out his issues. If he doesn’t come back to you, he wasn’t meant for you. Stop thinking it’s okay.
What are we teaching our daughters? What example are we setting for our sons? We’re showing our daughters that it’s okay to be someone’s doormat. We’re letting them know it’s okay to stay with a man that cheats on you, don’t trust you, belittle you, humiliate you; and all of this is because of his issues with women. You’re letting them know it’s okay to stick with a man that have issues with committing to one woman. Is it a battle of which woman can stick around the longest? Are we really teaching our daughters this? Because that’s what it sound like. You can’t turn on a reality television show and not see a couple where the woman was treated like crap until he finally realized she was the one. Or the woman that received the ring after all of this mess and is still going through it with him. Why is it the norm to put women especially black women through hell just so she can say “I do?”
What are we teaching our sons? Are we teaching them not to confront their issues? Are we letting them know that it’s okay to mistreat a woman, especially if she’s going to stick around? Do we let them know it’s okay to get help for their issues before they get into a relationship? Are we teaching them about respect? What are we teaching them? As a mother I don’t want my son to think it’s okay for me to be treated bad just so I can say I have someone. When our children see this they’ll either think one or two things; they’ll never want to be in that situation so they will do things different. Or, it’s okay because my mom dealt with it. If we’re not doing better for ourselves, let’s do better for our children.
I’m not your mother. I’m not the cause of your women issues. I’m not the cause of your trust issues. Don’t treat me as if I am.