Insecurities! How Many Of Us Have Them?
Insecurities- uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
Looking in the mirror and thinking she was ugly.
Telling herself that she had to have sex with him in order for him to want her.
She knew she had talent but was so afraid to reveal it because, she didn’t believe in herself.
She stayed with him knowing he was cheating. She convinced herself that it was okay. Constantly telling herself as long as he’s coming home to me every night, he can’t really love the other woman.
Looking at another woman and convincing herself she’s the enemy because she did things different.
Standing there alone. Breaking down, crying, and begging God to help you because you didn’t want to be her anymore.
Who is this woman? She is me. She could be your mother or sister. She could possibly be your daughter or cousin. Maybe she is your best friend. Could she be you. Whoever she is to you, she is Me. This was me the majority of my life.
Insecurities, depression, low self-esteem, and more was me. Not knowing how I would feel about myself when I woke up. Never loving myself. I never truly loved me until I was 37. As I write this I am about to turn 38 in a month.
For so long I sought validation from everyone because I didn’t believe in Me. Someone else had to tell me something or someone was good in order for me to do it or to be with a person. Can you imagine every time a guy was interested in you, you reached out to friends to get a yay or nay? That was me!
So many people told me they looked up to me. They believed in me and was happy about my accomplishments. I was often told I was someone’s role model and they were happy to be part of my life. Then there was days I couldn’t understand why they felt this way because I could barely look at myself. The problem was everyone looked at the outside of me. They knew me as a hard ass. I was the one that got stuff done. I always had a good career. I said I wanted a house, I got it. I said I wanted a certain car, I got it. I wanted to go on a trip, I went. No one knew all of this was just to show face. I had the ability to do it but I did it to cover up the pain. It was my way to escape.
I don’t know when it all started to fall apart. It could have been when my family started falling apart as a teen. Maybe it was my father not being there and I wanted him there. It could have been my first heart break. Was it because no one taught me about self-love? I don’t know. What I do know is, it didn’t feel good. I suffered from insecurities, depression, and no confidence for a long time. Something had to give.
From 2017 until now I have learned so much about myself. I learned that being ashamed of who I was would never get me anywhere. I also learned that I was a pew member. What is a pew member? Someone who goes to church every Sunday. They yell out a couple of words during the sermon. Stand up and high five their neighbors. Sing along with the choir and if it’s your favorite song; you shed some tears. Then you go home and sin the remaining six days. That was me. I’m a firm believer you can go to church every Sunday and even appear at a revival here and there. But, if you don’t have a real relationship with God none of that matters.
During 2017 I started to realize the road I was traveling down wasn’t what I wanted out of life. I didn’t want to be insecure anymore. I wanted the depression to go away. Happy tears were the only ones I wanted to shed. I didn’t want to be a pew member, I needed a better relationship with God. In order for the depression to go away, the insecurities, and gain a better relationship with God; I had to let the old me go and some friends go. I could no longer keep some friendships. Friends that had no morals. The ones that convinced me doing wrong was okay. Those friends that told me as long as he was separated, I could sleep with him and date him. (More to come in another blog 😊) Because of my insecurities and not trusting myself, I believed them. I couldn’t fully blame them because you are who you spend the most time with. They didn’t have morals and neither did I. I wasn’t a bad person, I made bad judgement calls.
It took me to have a long look in the mirror. A lot of tears in order for me to figure things out. I removed friends from my life. Some I kept as friends but stepped back from them. I started seeing my insecurities clearly. I didn’t want to be insecure. I hated depression. I wanted low self-esteem to go to hell. I wanted to be surrounded by people that had the same goals as me. Most importantly I wanted a real relationship with God. Once I made that decision God revealed to me who I needed to remove from my life. He replaced those people with better people.
Don’t get me wrong I’m still a work in progress. I changed my address from low self-esteem to highly loving all of me drive. I gave depression the deuces. I leaned on God. I let Him guide me. I consulted with him about my decisions instead of people.
Depression, insecurities, and every other thing that we allow to tear us down is real. I had to stop being ashamed of how I was feeling. I’m glad I never got to the point where I wanted to take my own life. But, I did wonder if something happened to me would anyone care. After the initial shock would I be remembered or missed. Those insecurities was getting the best of me but I had to find a way out. I found a way out. I went to counseling multiple times but I always found my way back to the same thoughts and bad behavior. The last time I tried counseling was in 2017 and I didn’t get anything out of it or maybe I didn’t want anything out of it. I knew I needed to fix what was wrong but I was at a road block. I started doing a lot of praying and soul searching. I started looking at my past and I knew what my patterns were. I knew what was causing the depression, low self-esteem, etc…… Praying and soul searching worked for me but it doesn’t work for everyone. I do know I need some type of counseling because I tend to go back to those dark thoughts. I don’t repeat the behavior but I think about the people I was doing the bad behavior with. I still tend to doubt myself and I am truly a work in progress. I may not be where I want to be entirely but I have come so far. I don’t worry about how far I have to go but how far I’ve came.
Prayer and a better relationship with God was a starting point for me. It’s not for everyone. If you’re having feelings of depression, low self-esteem, etc., find a professional and get help. Pray for the counselor or therapist that they will help you get through it. Pray for yourself. Don’t do this on your own. Check your surroundings. Figure out who or what are your trigger points and fix it? If you ever feel the need to take your own life, please call 1-800-273-8255 which is the suicide prevention hotline. Get help so you can start choosing you.