I Am Okay!
I’m okay, but I’m not okay.
I’m okay is what I would say when I didn’t know how to say “it.”
I wanted someone to ask me what is wrong, but I didn’t want to talk about it.
I never thought about killing myself, but I have wondered if anyone would care if I died.
I have imagined driving and being in a serious accident, but I didn’t want to die. I wanted someone to care.
If my friends different hear from me for days, would they call to see if I was okay?
If I could no longer provide family members with a place to live, would they still associate with me?
If I stopped lending money to people, would they still talk to me?
If I started to believe in myself, would people walk away from me?
What would happen if I started telling people no as a form of self-care?
What if I talked to God more than my friends?
What if I would have left him the first time he cheated?
What if I would have left him when he first made me feel like the other woman?
Why didn’t I leave when I found out he lied about leaving his wife?
Why did I deal with a man that said he was separated?
Should I have waited until the divorce was final?
When he said let’s go with the flow, why did I go with the flow?
When he ghosted me the first time, why did I take him back years later?
Why did I keep going back to the same man that broke my heart multiple times?
I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t openly give my body to men that weren’t my husband?
Why didn’t I love myself for so long?
Why was I depending on a man to love me?
Even after my father made it clear he didn’t want to be in my life, why did I keep pursuing a relationship?
Why didn’t I have any confidence?
Why did I think other girls were prettier than me?
Why didn’t I accept who I was?
Why didn’t I trust God more?
I sit back and think about my life. For so long I asked myself all of these questions. Each of these questions and statements are about me. I wasn’t okay, but I kept telling everyone I was doing great. I hid behind materialistic things. Why did I think about my death or being hurt so much? Maybe it was because I didn’t think I had anything to offer to anyone. The only thing that kept me from completely losing my mind was my son. I made a commitment as his mother to be there. I dealt with a lot and put up with things that I shouldn’t have even encountered.
The devil truly had my mind, but God stepped in and grabbed me. Kurt Carr song “God Blocked It” truly is a song sent from God. I remember being in the car one day listening to it because I had just found out the guy I was, with was sleeping with one of the women from our church. This was the same woman he called ugly. The same one that wanted to be my friend. That was the start of the depression, but I stayed.
I eventually let God take hold of my depression, lack of respect I had for myself, and lack of confidence. He removed the people from my life that was doing harm to me. God showed me that I didn’t always have to hide my tears. He told me that the tears I cry wouldn’t always be sad tears. I’ll eventually cry tears of joy because I am no longer her. I am no longer that person that thought she had to seek validation from everyone else. The girl that thought she wasn’t worth it, no longer exist. I wanted for others to succeed more than I wanted myself to succeed. I am no longer putting myself last. In 2018 I exceeded my own expectations and in 2019 I’m leveling up.
This was me. She no longer exist. I am brand new. She is now living in excellence.