I Am More Than Okay!
I remember in December 2018 it seemed like every Sunday I cried in church. It didn’t matter what the sermon was about, I was crying. It wasn’t until our New Year Eve service that I finally realized why I was crying. I cried in church because I was thinking about how awesome God is. I was thinking about where I was the same time the year before. My son and I went to the 6 pm service on that day. After church, we got something to eat, went home, ate dinner, and relaxed. Everything seemed normal to me until I got a text message from an ex. I got out of the shower and as usual, I checked my phone. When I saw who it was from I smiled. Not because I was happy he text me, but because of how I felt about myself.
We haven’t been a couple in years, but always remained friends. Recently I decided to end our friendship because it was toxic, but there was a problem. The problem was I didn’t completely remove him from my life. I stopped calling him and he stopped calling me after an argument we had. Neither of us removed each other from our social media pages. I remember during the argument he said to me “I can’t read you anymore, but I guess we’re still friends because you haven’t deleted me off of your social media pages yet.” At the time I didn’t think anything about it. We both were stubborn and this time around I wasn’t giving in. I needed to remove him from my life completely. (When my next book comes out you’ll understand why.) How could I remove him if we were still friends on social media? The Saturday leading up to the New Year I made a post about removing people from every part of your life. I went to my Facebook page to unfriend him and he already did it. I don’t know when he did it, but he did. Maybe he saw my post and took it to heart or he could have done it days before. At this point, it didn’t matter anymore. I was finally able to release all of him.
In this text message he mentioned that he understood why I ended our friendship the way I did. I can’t remember everything because I deleted the message, but he admitted he didn’t fully love himself and needed to work on him. He wished me much success etc. The old me would have responded right away with a snappy come back or at least text him something to keep the conversation going. Instead of doing that I waited a couple of hours before responding to him. Not because I wanted him to wait, but because I wanted me to wait. I put my phone down and took out my prayer journal. Writing in my prayer journal was my normal routine around 9 pm or after. As I was writing, I started to cry. It wasn’t tears of sadness, but tears of joy. These tears had nothing to do with him or any other man, but everything to do with me. I FINALLY FOUND THE WOMAN GOD HAS BEEN TRYING TO SHOW ME FOR SO LONG. I finally responded to him and told him that I ended our friendship because that was best for me and I needed to love me more. I told him I was finally happy with my life and I wished him a happy new year. He immediately text back with some other stuff that I don’t remember, but I never responded. For some that may be a “so,” but for me that’s a win.
I am okay!
Before I would say I’m okay just so people could stop asking, but today I am okay.
I no longer need anyone to ask me what’s wrong.
I no longer think about my death or if anyone would care, I am okay.
I am okay because I go to God before I consult with anyone else.
I am okay because I finally can be comfortable with being single.
I am okay because I know when God sends my husband this way, I will be able to love him right.
I am okay because I know I don’t have to wear my hair in a certain style or change my look to get a man’s attention.
I am okay because I can find my faults and not dwell on them.
I am okay because I can stay at home on the weekend and not complain about being alone.
I am okay because I don’t have to drink alcohol in order to forget about my pain.
Do you know why I’m okay? I am okay because I don’t have to hold onto friendships that don’t need to be held onto.
I am okay because I am able to take one week out of every month to fast. I can bask in the glory of God all alone.
I am okay because I can smile even when nothing out of the ordinary is going on.
I am okay because I’m finally going after my dreams.
Finally I am okay because I love me more than I have ever in my life.
As a matter of fact, I’m not okay. I AM GREAT.