Don't Believe The Hype! I Just Wasn't Getting Any!
What does it mean to be celibate? Celibate is taking a vow to abstain from sexual activity. Your reasons could be because you made a promise to God. You could have just walked away from a bad relationship and now want to focus on yourself. There are people that will be celibate until marriage. Then there are the ones that want to take a break. Whatever your reason, remember it’s your journey.
What was the real reason I became celibate? When I first stopped having sex it wasn’t because I wanted to honor God. It was because I didn’t have anyone to have sex with. I started having sex when I was 18 years old. Once I started I didn’t want to stop. I loved sex but I know I didn’t love half of the men I had sex with. I loved sex more than I loved them, well most of them.
I remember growing up my mom would always tell me to never be ashamed of being a virgin. “Stay a virgin as long as you can.” Parents tell their daughters that their body is pure. “Save yourself for marriage. Don’t get pregnant. It’s going to hurt. You’ll start bleeding.” I could go on for days but you get the point. I was never ashamed of being a virgin but once I started, I wanted it all the time. It was like Lay’s potato chips, I couldn’t eat just one. In so many words, I had to keep going back for more.
The first time I had sex it was with my boyfriend who was 10 years older than me. I didn’t even love him and the relationship only lasted 3 months. For 18 years I had sex with 10 different men. I know most of you are frowning your face up while reading this. Some may be calling me a whore, judging me, and some may say that’s not a lot. Either way I did it. Throughout those 18 years I cheated twice and never felt guilty about it. But that’s when karma kicks in. In 2009 I met the love of my life and he cheated on me for 5 years. After him from 2014-2017 I had sex with 3 more men. Two men from my past, so they don’t count. I’m not telling this because I am proud but because I’m not ashamed.
At any point in your life you can turn things around. February 2017 I started seeing some one from my past. We reconnected and he told me how much he realized he messed up and wanted to try again. I was bored so why not. I went into it with the wrong mindset which was a big mistake on my part. We had sex one night and he was the last person I had sex with. After him I wanted to step away from dating. I no longer knew who I was. This was before I Choose Me. For 90% of my adult life I gave so much of myself to everyone else. Whether it was men, family, friends, or work. I didn’t give a lot to myself. Truthfully during this time of not knowing me, if someone asked me on a date I would have went. Even when I was trying to find myself, I found myself wanting to be with someone. From March to November 2017, I wasn’t celibate by choice. I didn’t have anyone to have sex with. Please understand if someone came along that I liked and vibe with, we would have had sex. I never thought there was anything wrong with having sex if you weren’t married. I’ve been in church since I was 6 years old. I heard the sermons preached. I heard my mom say it. I heard it all but I didn’t think I was hurting anyone, especially me. Even though I didn’t believe I was hurting anyone, I always felt like something was holding me back. Every time I took a step forward, I was pushed back by 5 steps. I didn’t know why I had so much bad luck, at least that’s what I thought. Sometime in November 2017 I was listening to a video of someone that I admired in business. The lady in the video was talking about obeying God in every part of your life.
After watching the video I had to take a look at my own life. I heard what she said from so many people but this time it was different. It came from someone I just met. I had to look at my life. I made so many bad choices. I don’t believe in religion only but having a relationship with God. I always wanted someone to be faithful to me but I was never faithful to God. I wanted to give Him some of me but I wanted all of His blessings. November 2017 I made God a promise I wouldn’t have sex again until I was married. I no longer wanted to give my body to a man that wasn’t willing to meet me at the end of the aisle. I knew what I was worthy of and that’s how I Choose Me was created. From bad relationships, self-hate, low self-esteem, emotional, mental, and financial abusive relationships, depression, being jealous of others success, and not knowing who I was. I no longer wanted to be that woman that freely gave herself to someone because she didn’t think she was worth it.
Being celibate was, well is a struggle. I would meet someone and not know when or how to tell them. I struggle within myself because I want to have sex at times. What I want long term is more important than having sex. I want more out of a relationship now. Even as I write this I’m still struggling. I know there’s a man out there that can’t wait to make me his wife. I often ask myself why I didn’t think I was worth it. I always believed a man wouldn’t want me if I didn’t have sex with him. I’ve learned to want myself more. This journey started because I didn’t have anyone to have sex with. Now I know that was God’s plan. He had to put it in my face. He had to make it clear and I had to be hurt in the process. I don’t regret that 18 year journey. I’m glad my celibacy didn’t come sooner. My mind wasn’t in the right place so I know it wouldn’t have lasted.
Everything happened when it was supposed to happen. God doesn’t make mistakes. We go through life making bad decisions. But God always turn things around at the right time. I never thought I would be celibate. I would have never imagined I would be in this space. My life is not perfect and I still mess up a lot. But I know God is so proud of the woman I am today. I am proud of who I am. God knew the plans He had for me. I’m glad I listened when I did. I am glad I’m celibate. My future husband is waiting to find me.
What are your thoughts on being celibate? Comment below and let’s discuss. Make sure you follow me on my social media pages.
Facebook: Leslie Crawford